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Mass Effect Parody Citadel

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A/N: The Following is a fanbase parody. Mass Effect and all of its properties are copyrighted to the Bioware company. Please support the official release.

Mass Effect: The Things that Need to be Parodied: Citadel</u>

In Deep Space…

A well-endowed Asari approached from behind to address Saren. "Apparently, there was an Alliance vessel on Eden Prime. It was under the command of Captain Anderson."

"And the Beacon?" Saren asked.

"One of the marines may have touched it."

Suddenly, the blue backdrop turns a harsh red, as Saren throws a tantrum much like the Bioware fans who were given an MMO instead of a real sequel. Just as Saren was about to hit the Asari, he stopped at the sight of her cleavage and calmed down.

"Hmm… Pretty."

"It pays to be beautiful." She spoke to herself.


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Back on the Normandy…

Commander Shepard awoke in a dizzy stupor. He found himself lying on a bed, his vision still blurry.

"Ugh. Bad pie." He said, as he slowly got up.

"Dr. Chakwas, he's awake!" Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams spoke.

"Damn," The doctor pouted. "Not a bloody scratch on him. Oh well, good to see you're still alive, Commander. How do you feel?"

"Bad pie. Bad pie. Wait… what happened to the beacon?"

"It blew up," the female marine spoke up. "It's my fault. I have a tenacity of walking towards glowing objects."

"Don't worry," Shepard said. "If you hadn't done it, something else might have done it."

"I also detected some rapid eye movement in common with intense dreaming. Might I ask what it was?"

Shepard thought long and hard. "I was sparring in the main circle while the spring leaves were slowly falling down. I had just beaten my friend Jing Woo, and was about to leave when-"

"Uhh… Commander," Ashley spoke up. "Maybe you had a dream more relevant to the plot?"

"Oh, now that you mention it, I did see a vision of a lot of synthetics killing a lot of organics. It was really messed up. There was blood and carnage everywhere with agonizing screams filling my head. I even think one of the synthetics ate the organics.

"Hmm…" Dr. Chakwas said, while biting her knuckle. "Tell me more…"

Before Shepard could question this strange affixation, a smooth baritone voice entered the scene.

"Dr. Chakwas, how's our XO?" Captain Anderson asked.

"Sadly, he's fit and bloodless as usual."

"Well, if I could, I'd like to have a moment to speak with him."

"As you wish. As for me, I think I'll look at that battlefield footage again. I found several shots… stimulating."

As the doctor and Gunnery Chief left, the Captain turned to Shepard.

"Quick question: what's Ash doing here?" Shepard asked.

"Well, seeing how awkward it was to lose exactly one member of the party, I thought Chief Williams was perfectly suited for the job. She's using Jenkin's old locker." Shepard normally would've questioned such a hasty action, but he had more pressing concerns on his mind.

"What did you want to see me about, Captain?"

"Well, things look really bad for us. First of all, the Geth attacked the colony, then there was the matter of Nihlus getting killed and finally there's the fact that the beacon that was supposed to build relations with the Council got destroyed."

Shepard spoke up. "Now to be fair, I did disarm those bombs."

"I'm not blaming you, but our biggest concern is Saren. He's a Turian who hates humans."

"Why?" Shepard asked.

"I guess it's bad blood brought up by the First Contact War, or maybe he lost a relative to humans, or maybe he's just a jerk, I don't know. I do know that we need to discredit Saren. Your vision on Eden Prime, what was it?"

"Not sure. I think it was visions of a war long ago. Where the machines all won and destroyed the organics without mercy. It was pretty bad."

Captain Anderson raised an eyebrow. "As bad as Disaster Movie?"

"Oh Heaven's no! Not that bad; but still pretty bad."

"Hmm… I think it's best we present this to the Council."

The commander rubbed his neck, "With all due respect, Captain, but that's a really bad idea."

"We have to try. Unless we get Saren's Spectre status revoked, Humanity's a good a target as any."

"So you're basically saying, I have no choice in the matter."

"None whatsoever."


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A brief landing later…

"This is an outrage!" An aging, sour faced politician cried out. "The Council would've acted if the Geth had attacked a Turian colony!"

There, a red hologram of the Council were shown on screen. Of course, due to the high resolution required to show them, thus resulting in some uncomfortalbe pop-up texture. "Well, good thing Turians are smart enough not to build colonies near the Termius systems."

"I demand justice!"

"You don't make demands!" The Turian Ambassador cried out.

The Asari representative spoke. "We will discuss Saren's actions at the trial, and not a moment sooner."

After the Hologram cut off, the Normandy ground team faced Ambassador Udina.

"Captain Anderson, I see you brought three people with you."

"Just the ground team from Eden Prime. This is Commander Shepard."

"How do you do?" Shepard immediately said.

"What do you think? A Human Colony was attacked, Nihlus ended up dead and the Beacon was destroyed!"

"That's Saren's fault, not his!" The Captain said, jumping to Shepard's defense.

"What about Jenkins dying?" Udina added.

"Well, okay. But everybody makes mistakes!"

"Hey!" Shepard said as he took offense.

"Anyway, we have little time as it is. Anderson, come with me. Shepard, come meet us in Citadel Tower when you're ready."

After that rather insulting encounter, Shepard, Ashley and Kaiden traveled out of the Embassaries. Passing by the tourist guide Avina and other ambassadors, they once again saw the giant Jalapeño, this time floating above a rather interesting control panel.

Kaiden examined it. "Looks like a Rapid Transit system. They can instantly take us anywhere just by selecting an option. We can zip to Citadel tower if we wanted to."

Shepard scoffed. "There's no harm in walking, Lt. Besides, what's the harm in one elevator ride up to the Tower?"


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An elevator ride later…

"Oh god!" Shepard gasped as he got out of the elevator. "That was the longest time I've been in one of those!"

"Who would design such a slow-moving monstrosity!" Ashley cried out. After a brief respite, the crew walked forward, only to find two Turians arguing against each other.

A blue suited C-Sec officer began. "I need more time; stall the Council!"

"Stall the Council?" His superior spoke. "You're out of line, even more so than usual!"

"I'll show you who's out of line, if you don't let me gather more evidence!"

But the superior officer simply walked out of the way.

"Hmm… odd timing if I say so myself." Shepard quipped.

The Turian officer turned to the crew. "Commander Shepard? My name's Garrus Vakarian. I was assigned to investigate Saren's corruption."

"That's great," Kaiden replied. "What did you find?"

"Umm… I couldn't really find anything…"

"How long have you been investigation?" Shepard asked.

"Well, about a day to be honest. The court system is so fast, nowadays, evidence needs to be submitted first thing next day."

Shepard groaned. "I guess some things shouldn't be sped up."

"Anyway, good luck with trying to prove Saren guilty."

The crew quickly climbed several flights of stairs to find Captain Anderson.

"What took you so long? The trial's already started!"

Shepard shrugged. "We took the elevator."

The Captain was bewildered. "What? Why? The Rapid Transit system is much faster! Never mind, let's just go."

The four walked up to find the Asari Representative explain the situation. "While it is true that Saren was present during the attack on Eden Prime, it doesn't mean he had anything to do with the Geth."

The Ambassador responded quickly. "An eyewitness saw him shoot Nihlus in cold blood."

"Yes." The Salarian councilman responded. "Just because a dockworker saw someone with Saren's identical height and physical shape doesn't mean it was necessarily Saren."

Shepard spoke up. "Then how did he know about the Geth attack?"

A giant red hologram of Saren explained himself. "Nihlus's files passed onto me when he died. Nihlus was a dear friend of mine. He often told me stories of his daughter, Pallus."

"Aha!" The captain spoke. "If you really were his friend, you would've known he had a son, not a daughter!"

"Ah, Captain Anderson. Good to see you being incompetent as always. You see, Nihlus had both a son and a daughter. He just liked talking about one more than the other."

He turned to the Commander. "And this must be your protégé. Let me tell you this, your kind needs to learn its place. You're not ready to become a Spectre, you're not even ready to become a main character in an RPG!"

"He has no right to judge! He has no right to say that!" Ambassador Udina yelled at the top of his lungs.

"Shepard's main character status is not the purpose of this trial." The Asari Ambassador tried to delegate.

"This trial has no purpose! I am insulted by these accusations of a well-planned, thought out and thoroughly successful attack."

"There is one outstanding piece of evidence. Commander Shepard's vision."

"Are we allowing dreams into evidence now?"

"I agree. We need cold, hard facts instead of just testimonies."

"Enough!" The Asari representative spoke. "We will now discuss our findings."

After a turn of the head from the Turian Counselor, the Council was unanimous.

"The Council finds Saren innocent of all charges. Ambassador Udina, your petition to have him barred from the Spectres is denied."

Saren looked relieved or as close as a Turian could look relieved. "I am glad to hear that. I'd love to stay and chat, but I think I better… Umm… take my leave to do… something."

"Very well… Carry on."

After a rather depressing defeat, Ambassador Udina took it on himself to vocally scold the captain.

"Anderson, you're more trouble than you're worth! You got far too involved in that trial and it cost us!"

The captain shook his head, "I did what any rational person would've done in that situation. Tell them Shepard."

The commander rubbed his neck. "Umm… As much as it pains me to say it, I think you may have gone overboard with that dream explanation."

"I see. I better step down from these events."

The ambassador spoke up. "What we need is evidence against Saren. Otherwise, we'll be stuck here for the duration of the time."

"What about that Turian?" Kaiden asked. "He should just be right there…" the crew looked to their dismay only to find an empty space where the Turian officer was.

Udina turned to the crew. "I have a contact with C-Sec, Harkin. He might know where Garrus is."

"Forget it. They suspended Harkin for being a drunk. You should go see Barla Von. He has contact with the Shadow Broker."

"Shadow Broker?" Ashely asked. "Who's that?"

"He's an enigma, a symbol who hides from plain sight and gathers all sorts of information to blackmail people with. He's just like all those tabloids on the holovids, except worse."

"Well, we can either try to find our Turian friend or try to contact this Shadow… Man."

"Shadow Broker!" Captain Anderson said rather angrily. "He's the Shadow Broker."

"Is there really any difference what we call him?"

"Yes." The captain said, crossing his arms. "Yes, there is."

"Well, time to settle things the way we always decide tough decisions." Shepard said, reaching into his pocket. "Heads, we go see Harkin. Tails, we see the Shadow Broker."


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Chora's Den…

The crew of three, using the rapid transit system, walked forth, only to find two gunman waiting for them. Luckily, with faulty AI and a diffculty setting to Casual, Shepard and his crew dispatched them without a sweat.

Inside, they managed to bump into two Krogan having a casual conversation.

"So, I hear there's a bit of good news from you." The Krogan in the red battle armor said.

"Yep. My old gal and I just had our 2nd child. And she's healthy too."

"Whoa! Look at the love machine here! Pretty soon, we'll have to worry about overpopulation!"

Shepard and his crew were unsure what to make of this scene.

"Ahem."

"Oh. Quick! The lines!" The Krogan Bouncer said, whiling pulling out a script and some reading glasses.

"Back off, Wrex. Fist is not coming out."

"What is he waiting… hang on." The Krogan turned the page. "For? I am right here. If Fist is smart, he will take this chance."

"I am warning you. He won't come out."

"It is Fist who should be afraid." Putting down the script, Wrex slowly shoved past the crew.

"Well, that… rather contrived scene will probably be important later on." Shepard said. For now, the crew met with Harkin.

"Well, well, well." The informant said with a snide. "If it isn't the big bad marine, waiting to get some intel."

Shepard got right to the point. "I heard you've got some evidence about Saren. What would this information cost?"

"Why in such a hurry? I mean, don't you know the history behind this whole mess?"

The Commander's curiosity peaked. "What are you talking about?"

"You mean you don't know? Captain Anderson was once nominated to become a Spectre. But he messed up bad, real bad."

"Tell me more." Shepard said, his eyes glued to Harkin.

Kaiden spoke up. "Umm… Commander, don't you think we should-"

"You can read it all in my tell-all book, Mass Effect: Revelations."

"Please," Williams barked. "Do you think he's that dense to buy a prequel novel when he's already playing the-"

"Oooh! A tie-in novel. How much?"

"Shepard!" The Gunnery Chief cried out.

"Oh right. I'll take the novel with any information you have on the Saren case."

"Deal. That'll be 8 credits."

After a questionable purchase, Harkin revealed his information. "Garrus should be hanging around Dr. Michel's office in the Med bay. Now I bid you, good day."


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Nearing the Med Bay…

Kaiden cleared his throat, "Commander, not to criticize, but you've been reading that book for a long time now."

Ash chimed in as well. "And to add to that non-criticism, isn't it a bit late to be reading a prequel when you're already playing the damn game?"

Shepard wouldn't hear it. "You guys are just jealous because you didn't buy a copy. Now, be quiet. I want to see if anything happens with the Captain and this 'Kahlee Sanders'."

"Excuse me, you there with the book." A young feminine voice spoke up. "Hi there, I'm Emily Wong, and I think you might be able to help me with my problem."

"What makes you think that?" Shepard asked.

"You just seem to be a person with a lot of time on your hands." She said, pointing to the book. "I'm looking for corruption on the Citadel and I was hoping you could gather any intel you had on Fist."

"So, you're one of those investigative reporters who likes to bring breaking news."

"Uhh… no. I'm actually an investigator who wants to get the latest gossip on celebrities."

"Fist is a celebrity?" Shepard asked.

"Hey, when times are tough, you grab any dirt you can get. Since I'm small and unarmed, I was hoping you could gather any information while I just wait here."

"Wouldn't I just be doing your job for you while you take all the credit?" Shepard asked.

"Hey, it's a sidequest. Take it or leave it."

"Fine. But, I better get some credits for this."

The crew left with the journal updated to enter Dr. Michel's office. Unfortunately, they had just entered when several gunman were holding her at gunpoint.

"Now, give us all the biotic stimulants and red sand we want otherwise, things will get nasty." Said a terrorist.

"Pleath!" The doctor cried. "I don't hav zany vay to prethibe that zo you. All I cath do is precribth medicall marivana."

"Oh, a smart mouth, eh? Well, we'll see what we can do about that!"

Just then, a Turian officer leapt up in the air and faster than you can say 'John Woo's Stranglehold', time slowed down to a halt. Garrus fired off shots with his dual pistols. The first shot fired and missed.

The second shot fired but once again missed.

The third shot neared the gunholder's head… and hit the wall.

The forth shot barely nicked the gunholder, but it was enough to save the doctor. Then, Shepard's crew did the rest of the dirty work, as always.

"Perfect timing, Shepard. Your distraction was all I needed to use my shooting finesse."

Shepard looked at the three bullet holes on the wall. "Considering your aim, I doubt finesse is the right word. Dr. Michel, I presume."

"Yeth. Zat is voo I vam." The doctor said.

"What's wrong with your voice?" Shepard asked.

"Hey!" Garrus spoke up. "Dr. Michel may be a drunk, but I'll be damned if she isn't a better doctor than the rest of those sober idiots."

"I vam not za drunkkk. Thith is jutt the vay I tolk."

"What did she say?" Kaiden asked.

"She said that she'll help you with the Saren investigation."

The doctor sighed. "A Quarian kame zo thith office with information she vonted to trathe with the Shadow Brokerr. So I senth her to Fist."

"Problem is, Fist isn't working for the Shadow Broker. He's working for Saren. Chances are, she might be dead."

"I somehow doubt that; but let's keep that urgency in mind." Shepard responded. "Is there anything else you can tell us?"

Garrus spoke up, "Oh yeah. There was a rather cranky Krogan snooping around Fist. A Krogan named Wrex. He should be scaring the C-Sec officers about now."

Shepard blinked. "Wait, shouldn't that be the other way around?"

"Apparently, you haven't associated with Krogan in length."

"Alright." The Commander said. "Let's see if this Krogan won't help us."

"Shepard, I want to come with you. But I should warn you; I'm a loose cannon cop who doesn't play by the rules."

"Garrus Vakarian is a Loose Cannon Cop who doesn't play by the rules in 'Loose Cannon Cop who doesn't play by the Rules!'"

"What the hell was that?" Ashley shuddered.

"My introduction. Badass, isn't it?"

"Umm… No offense, but I'm not sure you want to come aboard my heavily doctored crew."

"If it's my home life you're worried about, don't worry. I already knew you'd come here, so I resigned my position at C-Sec and told Harkin to kiss my hard, jagged-"

"Hold on," Shepard asked. "You quit your job on the off chance that I would let you join my crew? Isn't that a bit narrow-sighted?"

"Hey, I'm a loose cannon cop who-"

Shepard interrupted. "Doesn't play by the rules, I get it! (Sigh) I guess I can't let be homeless now, can I? Welcome aboard."

"Let's kick ass and take names."

"And talk to a Krogan."


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In an elevator to C-Sec…

Shepard continued to flip heavily through the book, trying to digest the novel as quickly as possible.

"Huh." Garrus commented. "Your captain seems to like that book a lot, doesn't he?"

Kaiden shrugged. "I'm guessing he didn't want to get left out of the loop."

At long last, the elevator halted as the crew stepped off to see several C-Sec Officers surrounding the Krogan. They were all shaking with their guns pointing at him.

"Umm… Mr. Krogan." The Citadel Security office quivered. "We've been getting reports that… you may have threatened Fist. Could you.. perhaps, not do so?"

"Or what?" The Krogan grunted at the officer.

"We'll… uhh… give you a rather large fine?"

"Sure." The Krogan sneered. "And maybe it'll take out a quarter of all my savings. Then I'll be able to do whatever I please. Now, leave me alone."

"I'm warning you!" The officer said, with his body shaking. "If you don't stop this nonsense at once, I'll-"

"Boo!"

"Aagh!" The cop flinched, only to have the mercenary sneer.

"Big baby." The Krogan then saw Shepard and lurched towards him.

"I know you. You're the smartass who walked in on my scene early. I should kill you."

"Well, to be fair, that scene right now felt a lot more natural." Shepard said.

"Even so, I heard you're going after Fist. Back off, he's my bounty."

Shepard smiled. "Actually, I was wondering if you could join my crew. If we work together, Fist won't have a chance."

The Krogan crossed his arms for a moment. "Alright. But I'm warning you; I'm a cold-blooded warrior who loves to talk about his people and crack wise with a smartass comment every now and then."

"So you're basically just like Canderous Ordo, The Black Whirlwind and Oghren?" Shepard replied.

"Who the hell is Oghren?"

"Oh, right. 2007, my mistake. Alright then, let's go meet with Fist."


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Chlora's Den…

After a brief gunfight, only one officer remained.

"Ah ha!" The bouncer on the roof said. "I'm up here and you can't hit me!"

"Wrex." Shepard turned to the Krogan. After a blue field covered his arm, a quick push tossed the Bouncer to the ground, cracking his neck.

"Why did he think that was a good idea in the first place?" Garrus asked.

"I dunno. I guess he figured that there wouldn't be biotics with us. C'mon. Fist is waiting for us."

However, little to their knowledge, there were two guards with guns pointed at the party.

"Don't move or we'll shoot!"

Thinking quickly, Shepard decided to use his CHARM dialogue.

"Hey, why are you guys still working here? I heard Flux is hiring."

"The one with the twins? I've always wanted to work there!" One guard said.

"You know what that means."

"Double Date Night!" They shouted while giving each other high fives. The quickly left the premises.

Wrex grunted. "Well… that was a waste of time."

"Couldn't we just have shot them?" Garrus asked.

"Well, you know. We let our shields replenish. Anyway, let's just meet with Fist."

Inside, the crime lord Fist scurried in pain and activated his turrets.

"Hah! I'd like to see you get past these state-of-the-art, Citidel security turrets, fully shielded while firing bullets at 100 km/sec-"

"Activating Sabotage," Garrus said.

"Activating Wha-" In a flash the turret exploded behind Fist as he was left on the ground, slightly charred.

There, the three soldiers stood over their quarry. "Why don't you tell us where the Quarian is?"

"Fine. I set her up in a meeting with the Shadow Broker, but he's really an assassin. That way we kill her and get her information. So in about 5 minutes you'll have to get to her. Can you please let me go? Pretty please?"

"Aren't you a crime lord who insists on terrorizing people?" Shepard pointed out.

"No! I'll change my ways! I'll go to Church. I'll even make friends with that Hanharr that's been bugging me all this time! Please!"

Shepard sighed. "Well, I guess if you're that desperate, I'll let you-"

Right from behind a shotgun blast ripped through Fist. Shepard and Garrus turned to Wrex, with the smoking barrel in hand.

"Wrex!" The Commander screamed.

"What?"

"I was going to let him live!"

"Weren't you going for Renegade Mastery?"

"Paragon, you ninny!" Shepard gritted through his teeth.

"Oh. Well, if you give me a heavy scolding, you'll probably get the points."

"Really? Umm… Don't do that again."

Paragon +9

"How does that even work?" Shepard asked.

"Don't question a good thing. Now let's find that Quarian before she bites it."

"Hang on," Shepard replied. "Just need to grab Fist's files and… let's go."

The crew quickly ran, only to be met with more of Fist's thugs firing at them. They quickly dispatched as many of them as feasible. Luckily, having a Krogan to act as a sufficient bullet shield- I mean, tank, the crew was able to mow down the rest of the thugs and quickly run to the Quarian's location, near the back alleys.

When they neared there, a particularly disturbing scene played out.

"Hmm... aren't you looking nice today?" A Turian agent said with a grin.

"Where's the Shadow Broker?' The young Quarian girl said.

"Don't worry," the Turian said, running his hand down her shoulder. "He'll be here. Why don't we get a little more comfortable?"

"Back off! I'm barely an adult, you pervert!"

"Hey, the younger they are, the more I like them." The Turian leaned closer. However, the Quarian pulled out her omni-tool and set off a tech mine wiping him out.

"In my culture, we believe in sex after marriage, bitch!"

Just as the other guards were about to attempt something even more perverted, Shepard, the Krogan and the renegade C-Sec officer came in with guns a-blazing.

"Fist set me up!" The Quarian female cried out. "With a pervert, no less. By the way, who are you?"

"Garrus Vakarian is a loose cannon-"

"Garrus, not now!" The Commander cried.

"Aww…"

"My name is Shepard, I'm with the Alliance. I'm told you have evidence I need to convict Saren."

"I owe you my life then. My name is Tali'zorah Nar Rayya. However, to avoid unintentional controversy of the Muslim people and other religious groups, you may call me Tali. Do you have someplace safe we can go?"

"Sure, let's head to the Ambassador's office. You should be safe there."


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Ambassador Udina's office…

The ambassador was not pleased when Captain Shepard arrived. "You're not making my life any easier, Shepard. A firefight in the Wards, an all-out assault in Chora's den, do you have any idea-"

Udina seemed to pause seeing a Turian, a Krogan, and a Quarian all in the same room.

Captain Anderson chimed in. "You know, this reminds me of a really bad bar joke, but I won't tell it. Who is this?" He signaled towards the Quarian.

"My name is Tali. I was on my pilgrimage when I heard that the Geth may have had data I could've used."

"Pilgrimage?" Shepard asked.

"It's when your parents kick you out and tell you to bring back something valuable to the Migrant fleet. It could be scrap metal, data cashes or the occasional Tim Schaffer game."

"So what did you find?" Shepard asked.

"I happened to find this recording from a Geth's brain before it fried its memory core. Listen."

After a few taps on the Omni-tool, the party listened. "The attack on Eden Prime was a success. We are one step closer to finding the Conduit."

"That's definitely Saren's voice!" The captain cried. "We've got him now."

"I don't know." Shepard said. "We might need more evidence to convict-"

The recording continued. "And to elaborate, it was all done by me, Saren Arterius, a Spectre, who attacked Eden Prime in the Utopia System in the Exodus cluster."

"Huh," Shepard replied. "I guess that's pretty good. Still, we should try to find more evidence to-"

"Now, I'm going to read off my social security number so no imposters can frame my voice. It's 5380-72"

"Okay, I'm convinced. That should be more than enough." Shepard stated.

"Saren!" A female voice called out. "Don't forget our main goal is to bring back the Reapers."

"Who's the other voice?" The captain asked.

"More importantly, what are the Reapers?" Shepard asked.

Tali spoke up. "The Reapers were an advanced race of sentient AI who decided all organics were worthless meatbags. Thus, they craved wanton slaughter and eventually made the Protheans extinct."

"Hmm…" The Ambassador chimed. "Sounds suspicious to me."

"Wait, my dream!" Shepard cried out. "I remember hearing the word 'meatbag' in there. I dreamt of the Reapers!"

"Oh perfect." Ambassador Udina groaned. "Just what we needed, more dreams."

"We have to try, even if the Council doesn't believe us about the Reapers, we can still convict Saren!"

Garrus stopped them, "Wait, what about Tali'zorah Nar Rayya?"

"I told you to call me 'Tali'. And I want to join your crew."

Shepard eyed her suspiciously. "What about your pilgrimage?"

"The Pilgrimage tells us to give of ourselves, to show that the Quarian people are to be a part of the galaxy. What does it say about myself if I turn from this? It is my duty to-"

Shepard cut her off. "You ran out of credits and need a place to stay, don't you?"

Tali rubbed the back of her head. "Just for a little while. I help you save the galaxy and you help me with a home and such."

"Take her with you, Shepard." Udina said. "She might come in handy."

"Wait," The Commander said. "You're the human ambassador. Why do you want a Quarian to join my crew?"

"I don't know." The Ambassador said. "I guess she just fits with your other companions. Come, Anderson. We must expose Saren!"

The rest of the crew was left whittling their thumbs. "Do you think he meant to leave us here?" Wrex asked.

Shepard shrugged, "I'm guessing he wanted us to see the world and surrounding as well as check on certain side quests. Speaking of which, I think I have something here for a Ms. Emily Wong."


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The Wards…

"Ms. Wong?" Shepard asked. "I have that OSD you wanted. All of Fist's files are in here."

"Really?" The reporter said. "Lemme see those. (Gasp). This is it! The scoop of the centaury!"

Shepard smiled, "How a motley crew of Alliance soldiers and other species worked together to bring down the biggest crime lord on the Citadel?"

Emily Wong looked up. "Huh? Oh, that. I guess that's okay. But get this! Fist might have, possibly, if you squint closely, could've had a gay lover! This will be big, no humongous! Oh, the editors will love this!"

Shepard glanced at both of his allies. "Could you mention us in there?"

"Why? Wait, don't tell me you were Fist's lover!"

Shepard stopped her. "You know what? Never mind."


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Back at Citadel Tower…

"Come on," Captain Anderson barked at Shepard. "They're presenting evidence against Saren now."

"The attack on Eden Prime was a success. We are one step closer to finding the Conduit."

"That could be anybody's voice!" The Turian counselor said. "Saren's a very common name! How do we know it's our-"

The recording continued. "And to elaborate, it was all done by me, Saren Arterius, a Spectre, who attacked Eden Prime in the Utopia System in the Exodus cluster."

"Well… It could just be a forgery! Maybe you're making up evidence to-"

"Now, I'm going to read off my social security number so no imposters can frame my voice. It's 5380-72-"

"Let me guess," Ambassador Udina said smugly. "You want to hear the last four digits."

After what had to be the longest sigh in history, the Turian Ambassador spoke once again. "Perfect. The only Spectre I like and he has to attack a human colony. I knew it was too good to be true. Fine, we'll disbar his Spectre status immediately."

"Unfortunately," The Asari counselor spoke. "He's already left the station."

"Saren!" A female voice called out. "Don't forget our main goal is to bring back the Reapers."

"I know that voice," The Asari Councilor spoke. "Matriarch Benezia. She owes me 10 credits."

"What can you tell me about her?" Shepard asked.

"Matriachs are powerful Asari near the end of their lives and at the height of their physical beauties. Imagine Jenifer Coolidge only 2x more powerful."

"What are the Reapers?" The Salarian councilor asked.

"The Reapers were a group of sentient beings who wiped out the Protheans 50,000 years ago." Captain Anderson said.

Shepard commented to. "They believed all organics were meatbags so they killed the Protheans. The Geth revered the Reapers as gods and they think Saren's the prophet."

"I don't believe it." The Turian ambassador said. "Why would Saren bring back something that could kill us all?"

"Oh, come on!" Shepard exclaimed. "We have more than enough evidence to convict Saren of treason and moreso. Do you really need evidence that the Reapers exist? Just what are you going to do about Saren anyway?"

"We've locked all of Saren's privileges and now we're making sure that Saren won't get far."

"That's not good enough!" The Ambassador spoke. "You know he's somewhere in the Traverse! Send your fleets in!"

"A fleet cannot capture one man." The Salarian Councilor said.

"A fleet could keep the Geth in line, make sure none our colonies are attacked." Udina defeneded.

"A fleet could start an intergalactic war." The Turian Councilor said. "And while that does sound interesting, this isn't Star Wars! We're diplomats, dammit, and it's going to stay that way!"

"You know," Shepard muttered quite loudly. "I just happen to have access to the Alliance's only stealth starship with a well-trained crew, a crack pilot and the ability not to be seen. Just, wanted to let you know."

"Shepard's right! I'm sick of this Council and it's anti-Human bull…"

Just when the ambassador was about to say a expletive, he seemed to pause in mid-sentence.

"Ambassador Udina, are you okay?" Shepard asked.

"Oh, sorry!" The Asari Councilor said. "I dozed off for a moment there. 'Ambassador'. Perhaps there is another way."

"No!" The Turian representative said. "It's too soon! It's barely over 2 hours. He's not ready for this."

"Just do it already!" Shepard cried out.

The Council turned to each other and nodded. After selecting their answers on their digital keyboards, the Asari councilor spoke up.

"Commander Shepard, step forward."

Captain Anderson gave him a nod. Shepard stepped forward, as all the freeloaders and secretaries stepped out of their offices and watched from the balconies.

"It is the decision of the Council that you be granted all the powers and privileges of the Special Tactics and Reconnaissance Branch of the Citadel."

The Salarian Councilor spoke up first. "Spectres are not trained but chosen (even though there is an upgrade called Spectre training). Individuals forged in the fires of wars who have managed not to get shot to death."

The Asari Councilor continued. "Spectres are an ideal, a symbol, the emobiment of self-reliance. They are the right hand of the Council, instruments of our will. While spies and espionage are the Left hand of the Council. As for the head, well-"

"Ahem" Shepard coughed.

"Sorry."

The Turian Councilor finished last. "Spectres must know that with great power comes great responsibility. They are the first and last line of defense. The safety of the galaxy is their responsibility now."

"You are the first Human Spectre, Commander. This is a great accomplishment for your species. Do you have anything you'd like to add?"

Shepard leapt up. "I'm going to Disney World! Ow!" He looked back to see the backside of Udina's right hand behind him.

"After I save the galaxy from certain destruction."

"We've uploaded the files on your OSD. Good hunting, Commander Shepard."

The Asari councilor spoke last. "This meeting of the Council is adjourned."

After the rather large crowd and the Council had left, Shepard shook hands with Captain Anderson. "Congratulations, Spectre."

"We're going to have work on the details." Udina spoke to himself. "You're going to need a ship, a crew-"

"You'll have access to supplies and training no one else has. You should visit the store at C-Sec, though you won't be able to buy anything with your low level and funds."

"Come with me, Anderson. We've got a lot of work to do!" Udina and Anderson left the seen, leaving only Shepard, Wrex and Garrus to stand by.

"Hmm… Bastard didn't even thank you," Wrex commented.

"Somehow, I wouldn't want his thanks even if he offered it. C'mon. Let's get off this station."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

C-Sec Academy…

Shepard gave a huge sigh. "I don't know if I can do this."

"C'mon, Shepard." Garrus prodded him. "It's only one elevator. You can do this."

"I just don't see why they can't rapidly transport us like we did all those other times."

Wrex shrugged. "They must've run out of room in the conversation wheel. Let's just get this over with."

So with deep breaths, Shepard and crew stepped onto the only elevator leading up to the docks and waited.

An announcer's voice didn't make things easier. "Coming up, Emily Wong investigates Fist. Night Club Owner, Crime Lord, Lover? Files indicate that Fist wasn't only interested in Asari alone. Tune in for an interview with the crew of Commander Shepard, who claims that he wasn't involved with Fist. Or… was he?"

"Dammit all!" Shepard cried out.

When the crew finally escaped the confines of the elevator, they met Captain Anderson and Ambassador Udina at the docks.

"Shepard, good news. Captain Anderson has decided to step down from the Normandy."

Captain Anderson nodded. "She's fast and she's quiet, you know the crew and it operates just fine."

Shepard was in shock. "Wait, you can't be retired; you're Keith David, the greatest voice ever! (Save Morgan Freeman)."

"No, the Ambassador's right. I'm too involved in this. So you'll have to go without my dulcet tones for a while."

Shepard nodded. "Okay, we'll catch that bastard and bring him to justice."

"Don't go looking after Saren, he's long gone. Instead, find the Conduit."

Udina chirped in. "We've got several leads already. There have been reports of Geth incursions on Feros and Noveria. You can check there and find out what's going on."

Captain Anderson chipped in. "There's also reports of Matriarch Benezia's daughter, Liara T'soni, somewhere in the Artemis Tau cluster."

"Well, we'll see where our path takes us." Shepard said.

"One more thing, Shepard. Your actions reflect on Humanity. Try not to cause too much trouble for us."

"Before I go, Captain. Harkin gave me this book about when you were nominated for the Spectres. What happened?"

"Oh. Well, I worked with Saren and saved Kahlee Sanders. But Saren blew the refinery and killed everyone else there. So naturally, I got blamed."

"What?" Shepard asked. "That makes no sense. He blew the refinery. Why did you get blamed?"

"Because I apparently blew his cover."

"So… did you at least hook up with Kahlee Sanders?" Shepard nudged.

"Nope."

"What? Really?"

"Really, really."

Shepard stood in silence for a moment.

"Then why did I waste 8 credits on this thing?" Shepard took Mass Effect: Revelations and drop kicked it to the deep abyss below.

"Well, I do have one parting gift for you. Here, take it." The Captain handed Shepard a book.

"It-it can't be! I've always wanted this. The Prima Official game guide."

"It's all yours. Use it wisely."

Shepard sobbed up a little. "I won't forget this, Keith David. I won't."

"I know. Good Hunting"

The crew stepped onto the docking bay, where they were immediately met with a female voice.

"Decontamination in progress. Decontamination in progress."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Inside the ship…

Joker saw Shepard from behind, "Heard about Captain Anderson. Talk about bad luck. Does over a dozen great roles and he's seated by backroom politics."

"I just hope I'm doing him proud." Shepard said.

"Com's all yours, Commander."

Shepard paused. "Wait, I don't have a speech prepared."

"Don't worry. Just select on the conversation wheel and the rest is done for you."

"Alright then."

Shepard selected 'I need to level with them.'

"This is Commander Shepard, we have our orders. Find Saren before he finds the Conduit. I won't lie to you crew, this mission isn't going to be easy. But epic adventures rarely are."

Shepard then selected, 'Humanity must do its part'.

"For too long our species has stood too far apart from other species in the galaxy. Now it's time to do our part and show them what Humanity's capable of."

Shepard smiled and selected, 'Saren will be waiting for us.'

"Our enemy knows we're coming. Saren's followers will be waiting for us, but we'll be ready for them, too."

"Hmm… I wish I had this and won an award."

Shepard selected, 'I realize everyone is counting on us.'

"Humanity needs to do this, not just our own individual gain, but for every other species in Citadel space. Saren needs to be stopped and I promise you all that he will be stopped."

"Great speech, Commander. Captain would be proud."

Shepard nodded. "Keith David gave up a leading role for me to be here. I can't let him down. Let's go, Joker!"

"Aye, aye, Captain."

So begins Captain Shepard's journey to find the Conduit. What amazing adventures and side quests will he encounter along the way? Find out next time on Mass Effect: The things that need to be Parodied.
Yes, you can tell by a person's dedication when they update once a week.

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Gazt's avatar
I pretty much died of laughter from that saren bit. despite the eyewitness and same voice, the ss# was just icing on the cake. kudos lol